Tikra istorija apie vieną twilighterę

So this happened about two years ago, and please take note, I've never been a Twilight fan. I find it completely lacking, and all those psycho fans need to get their heads examined. But that's my educated opinion. On to story time.

So this gal and I had been dating for a year and a half. She was fun, charismatic, and witty. We liked most of the same things, had rare fights, and had the same future plans in mind. I bought the ring, scheduled a get away, and planned the proposal. I really did think she was the one.

Oh, how wrong I was.

One day, we're sitting around with Marko and his bros, watching House of a Thousand Corpses, and someone cracks a joke about Edward Cullen. To be honest, I don't even remember what it was, but I knew it wasn't the first time. Heck, she had made comments about it, too. Whatever set her off, was a shock to us.

All of a sudden, she sits up and goes to start putting her shoes on. I flip on the lights, someone paused the movie, and everything moved in slow motion. Shoes and coat on, she comes back down to the entertainment room, puts her hands on her hips, and starts shouting at us: "I want to have Edward Cullen's half-vampire babies. I even have names picked out. He's twice the man all of you dicks are combined."

And she storms out, slamming each and every door on her way. The guys and I sat stunned for a while, and I figured I'd give her some time to go home, rest, and cool off. I really wasn't trying to be a dick or anything, but I wasn't sure if she wanted me to follow or give her space.

Next day, I'm coming out of class (after havin called her half a dozen times to check in), and there's a small crowd gathered near my car. Nope, around my car. All the way around my silver Nexus in bright red spray-paint are the following words:

"Edward Cullen is better than you."

Oh, all four of my tires had been popped, and there were key scratches all over it too. Now I know what you're thinking: Just because she was a little upset the night before, doesn't mean she'd go crazy and spray paint up my car. Security cameras say otherwise. Apparently it took her 4 minutes and 42 seconds just to get the spray paint can to work.

Mind you, I'm going to law school. All of my friends are lawyers. My roommate, Marko? Partner at the law firm I work at. What did she think would happen? That she'd get away with it? That I'd forgive her and tell her that I'd strive to be more like a fictional, sparkly vampire?

I catch a ride over to the office after gathering all the evidence I needed and started in on the paperwork. Marko and I get home that night, and you'll never believe what she did to our house. All up and down the sidewalk, across the porch, and the white siding, she repeated her new mantra.

Needless to say, I returned the ring, took her to court with all the evidence and eye-witnesses against her, and got a brand spanking new car, siding, sidewalk, and bachelor life. She got a HUGE tattoo of Edward Cullen's pasty ass face on her lower back, as well as whatever quote from the book wrapped all the way around her calf, slammed with a $57,000 lawsuit, and six months in the Nut-Hut.

Anyone ever says they live for Twilight, they immediately get chocked up onto my list of raving crazies.